• Pleasure Through Pain - If you like acting depressed and moody on purpose, you might have Goth tendencies. Of course, if you act in violent ways (i.e. attacking cute, fluffy squirrels in your yard with a spork) then you're not Goth at all - just psychotic.

• The Black Hole Closet - If you have trouble picking out clothes to wear because your entire closet contents are black, you might be Goth. However, if you're just wearing black because stains don't show up as well, or because black rarely clashes with itself, you're just fashion paranoid. If you own a cape, you're a legit Goth.

• Neurotic Name Changing - If your real name is Todd but you'd rather go by Azrael Abyss, then you're a Goth. If you've changed your name legally to one of the characters in an Anne Rice novel, you're truly scary.

STEPS TO UNLEASH YOUR GOTHINESS:

1. Being Goth isn't as simple as it looks. You should realize that being Goth is more than a fashion statement, it's a way of life. Every aspect of your life, from cooking to gardening, must have a darker edge to it than normal folks'.

2. But speaking of fashion, you better look the part right down to your fingernails! This means experimenting with different variations of Goth fashion. Don't stick with just black Marilyn Manson T-shirts. Branch out into spiderweb body stockings, vintage black corsets and skull-print pants.

3. Don't stop with what you wear! As a Goth, you'll be expected to have a sinister-looking apartment as well.

4. As a Goth, you'll probably only be able to date within your little subculture. This also means Goths have their own style of pick-up lines and dating tactics.

5. Know your Goth lingo. The last thing you want to say is "rad." While you're at it, brush up on your vampire history.

6. It wouldn't hurt to buy a coffin now. Plus, some of the fancier ones can make really nice beds.

7. Just because you have a corporate job doesn't mean you have to sell out and keep your Goth threads at home.