little lads

I J.T.T.

By Bonnie Burton

"John Taylor will find me out of a million girls and we'll fall in love and he'll take me away from this boring hell hole."

Hey, quit snickering! I was a 13-year-old girl living in the middle of Kansas in the mid 1980s. So what if completely unrealistic dreams about innocent members of Duran Duran kept me happy!

I wasn't alone. I vividly remember wrestling with a another girl in the middle of Walgreens for the last Simon LeBon exclusive issue of Tiger Beat magazine.

I made boy wallpaper out of the magazines pages from Bop, Star Hits, Tiger Beat and other magazines. Every morning I woke up to twinkling XY eyes peering out from my bedroom walls.

Eh...that's creepy when you think about it.

Now that's I'm 24 and bored with life once more, I decided to open a teen idol rag for the first time in 10 years to recapture a bit of my obsession with stalking young celebrities.

And young boys are exactly what I got!

Long ago when I read these rags, guys like Ralph Macchio, Scott Baio and Rick Springfield scattered the pages. Then teen idols were at least in their teens. They shaved. They owned driver's licenses.

Today, if teen idols got any younger, girls would be hanging up posters of fetuses squigging around on ultrasounds.

In the pages of B.B. magazine...a brother rag to BOP, one of the oldest heartthrobs worshipped is "Home Improvement" star Jonathan Taylor Thomas (J.T.T.) He's not even a teenager yet. He's not old enough to stay out past 10 pm.

Yet some things never change...
Still the same pointless and shallow questions are asked...

* What do you look for in a girl?
* What's your favorite song?
* What do you do for fun?
* Would you ever date a fat girl?

And of course, the answers are all just as well thought out as the questions.

"Anyone is fine just as long as there
was something there and you had a
lot to talk about and you had stuff
in common." -- J.T.T.

Just once I'd like these boys to say what they REALLY think!

"She has to be buxom, blonde and rich. 
 No fat chicks for me, no siree!

"Girls? Why would I be interested in girls?"

"My parents forced me into this, 
I never wanted to act on bad TV shows,
 I just want to be a kid."

Whether it be J.T.T., or Brad Renfro, magazines like BB will do their best to make a few bucks on tell-all articles. When was Brad's first kiss? What happened to Devon in the sixth grade? Does J.T.T. ever surf the Internet?

The only teen idol past puberty who makes it into any of these mags is Brad Pitt.

Teen magazines often feature quizzes to determine whether or not YOU would make a better wife for Brad than that Jennifer chick.

This is the plug for any cute boy magazine. The editors claim if you know everything about J.T.T. or Brad Pitt, then you have more of a right to date them. If pre-teen stalkers ruled the galaxy...then maybe it could happen.

Every girl knows this isn't possible, we're just in a happy state of denial.

And after all, denial does sell magazines, right?