dec. 20, 2003
I find it bizarre that after 31 years on this planet, I still can't figure most people out. In fact, half the time I think I've made buddies for life and then something happens where they get pissed and hold firm on a grudge, or worse they turn into totally different people altogether. I'm beginning to think that I'm a horrible judge of character.
I'm not sure which part of my radar is at fault, but I may be trying to bond with the wrong folks. Usually people tend to present themselves as happy-go-lucky creative types and that's what I'm drawn to. At least that's what I'm drawn to now. There was a time when the Trent Reznor dark and deep personalities attracted me like a suicidal lemming to the cliff edge. For some reason, the more self-destructive the better. I can't explain it. Either I wanted to be the girl who saved the boy in distress. Or I wanted to explore my darker side through the "safety" of someone else's demons. I try to squint back into my past to make sense of it all and can't.
After a few too many heartbreaks and trauma/drama moments, I figured I was getting too old for this crap. Even if I had managed to save boyfriends from their darker ambitions, they ended up resenting me for the help. Sometimes after a transformation the newly-reformed boyfriend would decide to erase his depressing past (which apparently I was part of by default) and dumped me for my exact opposite. So I vowed never to go back to my pseudo-superheroine status, and just surround myself with happy, creative types who don't have any desire to jump off tall buildings.
I've even gone to such links as reading FBI-training manuals on how to profile unstable people so I can avoid them at all costs. You may laugh now, but it's already saved me from entering into a few possible bad relationships. Of course if I can't figure someone out, that makes me more intrigued. There are a few people like that at work, who don't show much of their personality and are extremely reserved. The more someone is a mystery, the more I want to get to know them.
On the flipside, as I read these books, I wonder how people see me. When they look at me do they think I'm an egotistical freak starving for attention? A welcome mat who tries to please and impress people at all costs? Or do they gather that I'm a caring individual with one heck of a sense humor? I'm not sure I even send out the right vibes when I'm around strangers. When I'm nervous, instead of remaining calm and content in my own skin, I generally go into Bonnie story mode. This usually consists of tales about my advenures as a kid, my chance meetings with celebrities and my freakishly bad dates. Or I jump into my other alterego of Cliff Clavin ala Cheers and start rambling on about plants, criminal forensics or random '80s pop culture factoids.
Given that insight into my behavior, you have to wonder what co-workers and strangers have me pegged as. I use my stories as a shield I suppose. That's probably why I'm a writer. Entertain the masses and you don't have to show them anything vulnerable. Makes sense to me.
dec. 14, 2003
illustration by Tom Hodges
There's something about the holidays that turn me into a spastic Martha Stewart. I tend to over decorate my apartment with tiny Xmas trees. I play non-stop bizarre Xmas music (that includes Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album). And of course I go completely overboard on buying and making presents. Since I have a real job this year I've been giving not just family and friends decent gifts, I've also splurged on Internet buddies and fellow bloggers. Heck, why not? It's the holidays, and I might as well spread the cheer.
I remember last year when I was depressed, jobless and pretty much pulling my hair out over life's little "obstacles," a few strangers who read this blog felt the need to cheer me up by sending me random presents from my Amazon wishlist. How sweet is that?
So in the same spirit of "pay it forward" karma, I've sent a few of my Internet buddies books and toys. And I have to tell you -- it's fun. I've also done something I rarely do -- I've donated to a few charities around San Francisco to help them out a bit. I had promised myself long ago that as soon as I had a real job again, I'd give back to a few worthy charities. And so this month, I put money where my mouth is and donated some dough to the San Francisco Community Clinic Consortium. They help provide health care to the homeless, which there are plenty of here in the city. So hopefully my meager sum will help someone out who needs it.
I also managed to send out Xmas cards EARLY for the first time in years. Some of you have either gotten a holiday card designed my talented illustrator friend Claire Robertson who is the mastermind behind Loobylu.com. And others who are more on the geeky side got the official Lucasfilm card of Yoda... which you can read more about in the article I wrote here. Also my pal Tom Hodges who does amazing Star Wars fan art did this special Star Wars fan art holiday card for me to send around the office... he's a great illustrator so if any of you out there need a kick-ass illustrator for a project, check out his site here.
Last night I attended my first-ever Lucasfilm company holiday party. Imagine if you will Lucasfilm and Industrial Light & Magic employees who are dressed to the nines, or better yet dressed in '70s disco gear. The theme was disco dancin' complete with a DJ, lit dance floor and a roller rink on the side. Granted I was thinking it was risky to have a company party that combined disco, rollerskating and an open bar. But damn I had fun! I was lucky enough to run into my impromptu dance partner Andy from ILM (hi Andy!) and we danced like crazy Solid Gold dancers most of the night.
Noteworthy moments of the night include George Lucas cutting in front of me at the bar to get a cola. He looked right at me and like usual instead of saying something interesting about films I said "I like your shoes."
The first time I saw George Lucas at work I accidently cut in front of him in the lunch line to get more tar tar sauce. Of course, I didn't realize who he was at first. I was too hungry to pay attention to my surroundings. To me he was just some guy in a flannel shirt holding up the line. When I got in front of him, a friend of his noticed I had fish and chips and said something along the lines of "Forget that baked chicken I'm having fish and chips!" And I responded with my smartass comment of the day: "Why would anyone eat healthy food on purpose?" At that point I looked over and realized that flannel guy holding up the line was George, and guess what he had on his plate? Salad. Yup. Good one Bonnie. Way to make a first impression to a man who's pretty much considered a film icon. How lame am I? Sheesh.
Another surreal moment included Lucasfilm employees mimmicking the rave/dance scene in Matrix 2 (without the hot naked people part) dancing to the Star Wars Disco Theme while waving neon rods as though they were limp lightsabers. And of course watching drunk coworkers crash en masse on the roller rink gave me endless amusement.
Yup, the holidays this year are turning out to be pretty swell.