Fri., March 28, 2003
What I Did Today:
Thurs, March 27, 2003
When's the "Everything's Back to Normal" BBQ?
Ugh. Some days I feel like this breakup is all for the best, and then other days...like today... I feel like I've been a fraud with all these self-help pep talks, and I have this really heavy heart where wish I could do something to make the "305th Everything's Back To Normal" BBQ a reality.
I know this sounds like a self-pity party, but I seriously will miss dating this guy. He's amazing and I consider him the "Love of My Life" (tm). I'll be fine, but dammit - I really wish I could go back in time and make things right again....or at least have a second chance at love with him.
I suppose that's why they call it being a hopeless romantic.
Maybe I should just blame all this yammering about heartache from watching the movie "Sweet Home Alabama" the other night? Damn you, Reese Witherspoon.
Wed, March 26, 2003
In Search of Good Coffee....
I think that this will help give me some space and time to reflect...even if it is for a short time. I also think that having some time away from each other will help my ex and I become better friends later. Breaking up and needing space to think and cry and think some more is always hard with you're still living together. I owe it to both of us to get away and have some time to ponder, ya know? Plus I imagine my housemates may need some space as well.
I probably should have done this awhile ago (travel solo to see pals) while I was in a relationship instead of waiting until a breakup. It's stupid that I didn't go places alone to give us both a chance to miss each other. (Ouch, my butt sure is bruised from kicking myself....)
On the job front, I've updated my resume to include my search to Seattle, Portland and even the UK. (Hey, you never know.) Of course, I've been applying for jobs like mad in San Francisco: Cnet, PRnewswire, Chronicle Books, and so on. So keep your fingers crossed!
By the way, the other pal in that photo is Jen Sands. Where are you Ms. Sands? I MISS YOU!
P.S. Thanks go out to: Ryan for the Moose CD, Jason McClure for the Bad Girl's books, Sharon for the cookie, and any of you who have sent me cool schwag in the last few months. ;-)
Mon., March 24, 2003
I got these dreads via Hairpolice.com and their Spread the Dread tour almost to the day two years ago. I don't have the dreads anymore (too heavy and too hot), but it was a fun little experiment. At the time I was still living in San Francisco and working at Winamp.com. Wow. That seems like a lifetime ago.
Sat., March 22, 2003
Definition of True Love
One of my friends sent me this quote to help me gain some perspective on love and relationships. I think it's right on target:
"False love is an unhealthy attachment to another person. You crave their love as an important part of one of your own human survival needs. You become totally involved in the other person, neglecting your own life, social circle, and interests. You abandon all for the relationship. You lose you and become preoccupied with the other's behavior. You panic at the thought of losing them in your life. False love displays jealousy and possessiveness. Partners begin a power play for control, one or both pointing blame or displaying passive-aggressive manipulation of the other partner. You think, "if only I could get them to change this or that, or behave this way or that way - then I would be happy." You expect the other partner to fix your issues. If one partner has a bad day, the other partner does too. You exchange your own identity with your partner, reacting to your partner's problems and upsets as if they were your own. You subconsciously look for constant approval and signs of love. You may feel despair and hopelessness at the thought of losing your partner. You may cling to the other partner, much as a drowning man clings to a lifesaver. If the relationship were to end you would feel hopelessness, unworthiness, unloved, bitter, angry, resentful, vindictive, revengeful, panicky, and even suicidal."
"In true love your priority is to develop yourself first. You give each other room to grow, and you support each other's goals. You have separate interests, different friends, and meaningful relationships with friends and family members OUTSIDE of each other. You feel secure in your own value and worth without the other person's validation. You trust your partner and are committed to each other and to the relationship. You willingly and lovingly compromise and negotiate any issues that may arise. You accept totally the other person, just as they are, and you embrace their individuality. You do not take ownership of each other's issues, nor look toward your partner to fix your issues. You show support for your partner, yet you do not attempt to change, alter, or force your opinions onto them. You enjoy their company, yet also are content with being alone. True love relationships rarely end, but if they do you genuinely wish your partner well and happy. Although you want the relationship to last forever, you are healthy enough to understand that nothing last forever."
Fri., March 21, 2003
Change is a Good Thing?
At the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie, I have to admit, "Without change, we become stagnant beings lacking excitement and fun." Seriously, I used to be a Change-O-Phobe. If my workload changed or I was laid off from a random dotcom company, I'd go into a complete panic. If my landlord wanted to redo the bathroom or if rent went up, off I went into a swirl of stress. And of course, if my friendships ended or my boyfriend dumped me, I figured I'd be twitchy with anxiety attacks for months to come.
That's no way to live. I know now that change helps to keep life thrilling and enables me to continue growing as a person. And that's what I'm looking forward to now - change. Soon I'll be living in a new home, working in a new job and making new pals (as well as having adventures with my old friends.) This upheaval will give me a good kick in the pants and make me be more responsible with my life.
As for the whole relationship thing, I realize now that I was letting my need for a fulfilling relationship get in the way of having a fun romance. I was too afraid of letting go that I ended up driving someone very special away. I got caught up in the whole codependancy ritual of smothering someone until he had to run in the other direction just for some breathing space, or in fact to another person for understanding.
Now that I know better, the next time someone special wants to sweep me off my feet maybe I won't be such a rookie. However, I honestly don't need anyone to feel complete or loved. I'm cool with who I am and enjoy time alone doing my own thang, whether it be playing songs about Pocky on my guitar or working on the next issue of Grrl zine. I think concentrating on me for awhile will be a healthy change. (I hope.) Then again this could be another one of those lame self-induced pep talks.
Thurs., March 20, 2003
Hindsight is 20-20...
It's Day 2 of the breakup. Keeping busy. Checked in with my gal pals. Ate 1/2 a piece of pizza. Played with the pup. And of course, spent all day drumming up more online freelance work. Yup, keeping busy is the key, indeed.
Part of me if relieved that I'm no longer in limbo. The pre-breakup stage is hell because you have NO idea what's about to happen and how to handle it. Now that it's happened, I suppose I don't have to be in a constant state of worry over if I'm behaving like the perfect girlfriend or doing the right thing. I always got the impression towards the end, that I was constantly disappointing him... but to be honest, I was disappointing myself.
Looking back on the past year or so I have realized that I changed from the high self-esteem go-getter to a creepy, submissive Stepford Wife who spoke in the Royal "We." I wasn't Bonnie anymore, I was part of a "couple." I had lost my individuality that was entirely my charm. And dang it, I turned into a cranky stress basket who forgot how to have fun!!! My zine went on hold. I put down my chopsticks and didn't eat sushi anymore. I completely stopped watching "Buffy Vamp Slayer" for awhile. And it's been way too long since I've last bowled! And well to be blunt, I just wasn't ME. It's not anyone's fault but my own. I just kept changing into this person I thought I was supposed to be to make someone else happy. But the annoying thing is: it didn't make either of us happy. DUH.
So of course, I figure all this out about six months too late. Which pisses me off to no end. Psychics must make the best couples counselors.
Wed., March 19, 2003
Well I suppose I should say something on this blog about what's been happening lately in my crazy little life. After two amazing years with an incredibly special fella, we've decided to call it quits. Apparently, as is my curse, I tend to make a better "pal" than a girlfriend. Which sucks in too many ways to count, but I suppose at this rate I'll never run out of guy friends. And this guy is gonna make a really great friend, so at least I have that to look forward to.
Yeah, I know -- being dumped is the pits. Even though it seems to happen to me on a regular basis, I still did the usual embarassing tactics to get the guy to have a change of heart: pleading to give it another (fill in a number) chance, bribing him with his favorite foods and offering to let him have an open relationship (as if) and so on.
I guess now I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I'll probably ask my parents for a moving loan, search for a cheapo place to live nearby in Santa Cruz and hopefully get to take my beloved pup with me without too much culture shock for her. If she's too unhappy, I suppose I'll have to be unselfish and leave her with her daddy in big foresty house and come for visits as "weekend mom." *sigh*
Along with moving out, I'll be trying to drum up more online freelance work and finding a regular job to suppliment my current freelance income. (If you need someone for content writing, editing, newsletter writing or to clean you car I'm your gal!) This also means I'll be quitting horticulture school. I don't think I can afford to do both, which makes me amazingly sad. But maybe some day when my life is more settled down and I know what my schedule will be like I'll be able to go back and take a night class.
Anyway, I just wanted to say something so any of you reading this blog wouldn't think I fell off the face of the earth. I'm just trying to get my life back in order.
Thurs., March 13, 2003
Stuff I've Been Doing Instead of Updating This Blog: